discouragement

i’m thinking about taking a rest day from my jogging tomorrow. my hamstrings have been feeling sore/strained, so maybe i need a “rest day”. maybe it was from the shoe-switching, or maybe it was because i didn’t eat a real breakfast, or because i didn’t drink enough water (which i never do). or maybe i’m pushing myself more than necessary. what’s the point, though? today, a guy passed me faster than i could have passed a snail, and i was discouraged about this dream of calling myself a runner. i’m no better than i ever was in middle and high school.

athletes only have rest days once a week, though. the rest of us mortals are only recommended to do cardio three times a week, a.k.a. every other day. sigh. i really wonder what it’s like to be an “elite runner”. is it just easier for them to be so fast, or is their willpower beyond my imagination?

meriwether

meriwether. i like their song ‘aye julian’.

econ midterm tomorrow. this weekend: another round of math and cad homework. sucks. so glad i’m only taking cad for credit. i screwed up on the midterm today, not cool.

i think i’m good with kids. i don’t talk down to them. they think i’m cool. maybe they’re not as judgmental as i perceive my peers to be. or maybe i have self-confidence issues. it kills.

dumb and dumber

firefox 3 actually looks good with the Qute skin. font and text size is better in this version, and the margin bugs in netvibes are gone now. it’s also much faster, so i guess all is well.

i’m back to hating school again. homework, tests, and failure. even though it seems like i’m getting the hang of this, i’m pretty sure i’m getting dumber. it’s either that or contentedness stifles creative thought. how discouraging.

‘It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education’.

albert einstein

summer quarter ain’t that easy

too tired to paint or dye my hair or musick, even though that’s what i want to do. not in the mood to start a new project. i want to make this t-skirt by threadbanger projects.

wearing a ring

i found a little ball-chain link that fits perfectly on the middle finger of my right. it was on the ground when i picked it up helping move stuff out of my dad’s office on saturday. it’s one of the few things that can actually fit on my finger. granted, it’s my 7th smallest finger.

anyways. i’ve come across a number of issues that concern ring-bearing — frodo and sauron references acknowledged — that never occurred to me before.

1. washing hands
2. water between the ring and skin.
3. does soap get stuck under there?
4. gripping door-handles — it causes the ring to dig in
5. tying my hair — it pulls on my hair
6. ring-tan

my 5 favorite book characters

it was a thing on facebook. but facebook didn’t accommodate my numero uno favorite character, so i spurned it.

1. “Halloween” Gabriel Kennedy Hall (Idlewild Trilogy by Nick Sagan)
— an emo antagonist who reluctantly saves the world.
2. Harry Blackstone Dresden (The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher)
— your friendly neighborhood wizard, also with a rebel streak and a killer sense of humor.
3. Lani Garver (What Happened to Lani Garver by Carol Plum-Ucci)
— androgynous angel-in-disguise.
4. Bean (Ender’s Shadow by Orson Scott Card)
— a genetically-engineered pint-sized genius who will die from growing.
5. Vin (Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson)
— orphan assassin girl who kicks ass.

i read the new ‘dresden files’ book turncoat in three sittings at the bookstore. started reading ‘www: wake’, seems pretty cool. i love reading. i miss it.

in other news, quantum physics homework is bothering me. it sucks that the textbook is useless in this area. you know your textbook is useless when you resort to relying on wikipedia. and seriously, wikipedia makes sense. that’s just sad.

gonna sleep on it.

tastiest thing evah

sometimes it amazes me that the friends that i barely keep in touch with are the ones whom i feel i can confide in.

whole soy yogurt is amazing. yurm. i bought four cups for my mom today. i think i’m going to eat two.

“the boy” has a girlfriend! i’ve seen him like three times in the past two days! though i’m not sure it’s him because i keep seeing him out of the corner of my eye, and his hair seems lighter, and his clothes are not so baggy.

the prospect of entering a relationship unnerves me. i couldn’t talk about it, my insecurities, with zach today. odd how i avoid the issue.

rez bomb

rez bomb looks like a good movie. the trailer intimidates me a bit with the violence, but i think i’m inured to it after watching it a couple times. i’m pretty interested in stories involving [modern-day] native americans.

i’ve heard about the reservation in which this movie takes place — pine ridge in south dakota. i read a bit about it when i randomly elected to be the “senator” from south dakota, and i pushed a bill in our mock congress for the recognition of native american rights. the reservation is so poor that it’s considered “fourth world” right here in the united states. crazy suicide rates. pretty deplorable.

i have a tendency to feel guilty about these things, the plight of native americans or other less fortunate people. it’s similar to the self-defeating guilt i feel for having a relatively easy life, and also for being less than extraordinary, given the case. i didn’t have to rise from a life of hardship, so i should be super-genius-awesome given my comfortable upbringing…? i keep reminding myself that i’m in college and working part-time. what more can you ask? i’m doing engineering/physics and getting good grades. i shouldn’t be so hard on myself, thinking that i don’t deserve this or that. that’s what i keep telling myself.

memories that rise up like bile in my throat

i’m getting obsessive about homework again. no! i have no life! >.<

i think i overreacted when i got the message that tim didn’t assume i’d be visintg today. just now, i read an INTJ community post about how people like me are hypersensitive the possibility of rejection. yes, it felt like abandonment. abandoned once again, must discard sentiments, cutting up this friendship… blah blah blah… it’s a good thing that i am reminded of my dad whenever this happens. otherwise, i don’t know if i could tell myself that i’m being unreasonable. it must be hard for other people to imagine why i tend to assume the worst of
friendships. it’s why i’m so distant with people.

i often experience the motivation behind repressing memories. i can sorta ‘meta-cognate’ and witness myself burying the unpleasant memories that rise up like bile in my throat.

++

“rich inner life”. that’s the answer i was looking for.

new soap

i’m really into my new pure & natural organic grapefruit/pomegranate soap. even the box it came in was awesomely compostable.

ha! we have a new president. bitches!

i think i deserve some colored ballpoint pens. a set would be nice.

a good insight from the guest speaker for my cee info session today… something along the lines of ‘if you take classes with professors you like, then you will probably like the subject’. something to keep in mind.