failure gives me a new lease on life

now it’s the opposite reaction. instead of “you suck, you don’t deserve shit”, it’s “you fail at this, let’s get away from it and do something worthwhile”.

i got red bean soy icy tapioca today. with russell, he accompanied me; i’ve been wanting to venture out for bubble tea with him for a while. i also bought a book! why the hell am i rewarding myself?!

++

andrea gibson on living in our gender-obsessed culture — swingset.

“Sir! Sir, do you realize this is the ladies’ room?” “Yes, ma’am, I do, it’s just that I didn’t feel comfortable sticking this tampon up my penis in the men’s room.”

obama signs the lily ledbetter fair pay act was a delightful piece of news this past week!

memories that rise up like bile in my throat

i’m getting obsessive about homework again. no! i have no life! >.<

i think i overreacted when i got the message that tim didn’t assume i’d be visintg today. just now, i read an INTJ community post about how people like me are hypersensitive the possibility of rejection. yes, it felt like abandonment. abandoned once again, must discard sentiments, cutting up this friendship… blah blah blah… it’s a good thing that i am reminded of my dad whenever this happens. otherwise, i don’t know if i could tell myself that i’m being unreasonable. it must be hard for other people to imagine why i tend to assume the worst of
friendships. it’s why i’m so distant with people.

i often experience the motivation behind repressing memories. i can sorta ‘meta-cognate’ and witness myself burying the unpleasant memories that rise up like bile in my throat.

++

“rich inner life”. that’s the answer i was looking for.

new soap

i’m really into my new pure & natural organic grapefruit/pomegranate soap. even the box it came in was awesomely compostable.

ha! we have a new president. bitches!

i think i deserve some colored ballpoint pens. a set would be nice.

a good insight from the guest speaker for my cee info session today… something along the lines of ‘if you take classes with professors you like, then you will probably like the subject’. something to keep in mind.

while the inauguration was going on…

sometimes i’m just really tired of school.

i know that if i didn’t have school, i’d be seeking intellectual stimulation. but shit, can’t i strike a balance?

i think astro put a crater in my day. i mean fuck, i inadvertently sat next to the most obnoxious and hygiene-deficient person in my class, and i had to sit through an hour and a half of telescope and spectra discussion before i could escape. we got our homeworks back. i did far better than i thought i did, but those around me got full scores and their papers were blessed with a shiny star stickers. mine was punched with a flower-shaped hole.

but doing homework anton brightened up my day, even though the homework was long-winded. when i came back, there was more homework to check with eric. homework! studying! it never ends! midterms start next week. i shan’t hope to stay ahead of it. and tomorrow i have to work on mathematica…

i’m excited about music again.

and there were none

and then there were none band myspace. bonkin lyrical techno.

the clouds have descended upon us.

it looks so cool. clouds/fog/mist is pretty bright under the sunlight. i can see the wisps rising in front of my window. now it’s like a wall of fuzzy white.

i had a dream… (mlk day pun unintended)

… that i was being executed.

i got off at the last minute though.

i like dreams about death.

this is how i like it

life is good when you’re walking back from the bartelle’s on the ave… where i had a conversation with an employee about the instrument on my back. he was from nepal and played the harmonium. tim is just so cool that i always walk away with a readjusted attitude about the imperative sof school. school? thermo assignment? astro reading? pah. all that is for ephemeral self-gain. here, i am connecting with people and making music. originality, creativity, and meaning. i guess it matters to me.

stormy walks

i think i have become accustomed to — nay, embraced — walking around campus alone at night. i feel like i am getting in touch with my ‘dark side’, discovering a primal desire to roam the night. independence is currently in the process of being freed from fear. fear of a freak assault.

of course, now that i’ve expressed this carefree sentiment, aforementioned freak assault shall manifest itself…

so many things to do

- finish painting backpack
- do laundry
- finish fixing skirt
- organize library books and books to bring to dorms, find ‘the subtle knife’
- pack up clothes
- pack up bedding
- pack up instruments
- clean up my room
- remember to bring my old glasses and toothpaste and other stuff